With college season finally beginning, I had to say goodbye to many friends. But three nights ago, I had to say goodbye to my very best friend & boyfriend, Zack. This year, Zack will be attending Cal Baptist University in Riverside, California. A school that he prayed long and hard about, and a school that he literally worked his butt off to get too.
For the entire summer, I dreaded saying goodbye to him. I even cringed when anyone mentioned August 30th. However, Zack was always just fine talking about college. The distance between us (only about 45 minutes, but still further away than we’ve ever been) never intimidated him. For the first few weeks of summer, I just thought he was naive or perhaps that he just didnt wanna talk about leaving. However, as the time drew closer to August 30th, Zack still had this calmness and composure to himself. One night at dinner, I finally asked him how he was so peaceful about moving away. He responded, ” well cause I know I’m supposed to be with you, and being 45 minutes away isn’t going to change that.” The more and more we talked, about this confidence he had, the more I was reminded how much Zack exemplified “the peace of God” mentioned in Philippians 4:6-7. A peace that “transcends all human understanding”. Zack has always been gifted with this peace. Back in early June, Zack’s father passed away from a sudden diagnosis of cancer. Even during the times that Zack was grieving, he had this peace to him – this calmness that I could never quite understand. As I reflected back on all the experiences I’ve shared with Zack, both good and bad, it hit me that Zack has always had both the peace and the joy of the Lord; something that always sounded cliche to me – until I actually witnessed it.
So with this peace and joy, Zack reassured me daily that we would be just fine as this new chapter unfolds. And now, 3 days after our “goodbye” at 2 A.M., I can finally say that I believe him. Yes, its hard to comprehend that he’s not 15 minutes away anymore, and it sucks that we’re not going to be sharing the common denominator of school anymore, but there are so many good things that are already happening for him, for me, and for our relationship. Just last night, Zack told me about the worship at CBU. He told me he really felt the spirit of God through his whole body, “I even have a journal now!”. Though these are just little things, I know God is already working in Zack’s life and molding him to who He wants him to be. I couldn’t be more happy and thankful for such a boyfriend.
Meanwhile, I actually started college a week ago as well. However, my experience thus far has been nothing like I had always hoped it was. Getting classes is impossible (literally, I currently have one), I know one person in the entire school, and to be completely honest, I just feel a little disappointing, a little alone, and really hopeless. Yes, I know what you’re thinking – it’s only been a week… how could I be so dramatic and negative over one week. And in reflection, I guess I am jumping to conclusions a little fast. But it’s just a really tough spot to be in – where everyone is excited for you, but you’re not the slightest bit happy with your circumstances. Where all of your friends are moving in, loving their classes, their roommates and their school in general, but you still live at home and just go to class twice a week. Its a really sucky feeling. I wanna be busy. I want to have a full schedule, have homework, friends, and the whole college experience. But right now I just feel a little lonely. I don’t exactly feel like I know anyone who can look me in the eyes and tell me they’re in the exact same boat. So while I wait out this rough period of uncertainty, loneliness and a little bit of hostility towards God, I’m trying hard to hold onto his promises… I know I am in His hands and he will make everything beautiful in it’s time. The time just isn’t right this very second – which is why I think I’m having such a hard time with it, because everyone else isn’t struggling, but rather blissfully settled into their new exciting life.
Though my circumstances aren’t exactly what I had planned out in my head, I know they are God’s circumstances. I just have to find the “silver lining” in it all (as said by the school counselor I went to last week who just so happened to be a Christian – imagine that!). While I wait out this part of my journey, I am so excited for the journeys of those surrounding me, specifically Zack’s right now. I can be excited for him because I am at peace with it. Though he’s a little further away than he used to be, he’s repeatedly assured me that his heart isn’t going anywhere. I am so blessed to be loved by someone like him, who is so committed to making sure we come out of this season of change together.